i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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