you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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