I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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