just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
