first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
