I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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