dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You're a waste of cheezeits
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
