Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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