her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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