If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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