Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
