Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
