I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
