I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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