Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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