I wish i was in the wii world.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
