I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
