I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
