Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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