If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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