Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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