My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
