OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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