there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
