I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
did you just send me my own nude
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize