Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
