is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
