just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
