I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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