Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
