My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
