I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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