Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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