Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
