After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
