I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
there is glitter all over my balls
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