"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
