I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
