i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
