Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You are a genius and a whore.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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