I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
