I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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