I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Please don't give away my fajitas
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
