...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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