the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
