I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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