I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
