You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
