Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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