He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
